Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
