a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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