i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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