last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
