i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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