I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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