There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
