Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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