made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
