A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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