I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize