I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
