I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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