Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
