Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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