So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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