drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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