Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
