the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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