Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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