batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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