All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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