so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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