I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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