I feel great
I just peed on a car
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
