You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
