i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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