If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
