I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
