I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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