In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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