chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
