Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The beer is more important than you right now.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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