the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
