They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
