I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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