i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
