I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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