My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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