Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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