is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Pooping to opera.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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