What did we do last night that was yellow?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Randomize
