I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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