tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
