someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
