apparently the secret to your success is patron
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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