Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
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