Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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