I hate your face
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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