I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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