Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
