i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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