I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
