Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
