do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
