I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
