woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
