I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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