i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
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